I had planned on writing on this topic for some time, but after another game day in Oklahoma, my wife could take no more and took it upon herself. She did a great job of explaining our frustration, however, I have a feeling this will not be the last time this topic is discussed. Without further delay, I give you Mrs. Mattatarian’s rant on sports.

We Don’t Like Sports
by Mrs. Mattatarian

My grandpa didn’t watch sports, my dad doesn’t watch sports, my husband doesn’t watch sports and I HATE sports. Fall is my favorite time of year and I have to say I love almost everything about it, except football. Here’s a newsflash to all of you “sporty” people out there:

JUST BECAUSE WE LIVE IN OKLAHOMA AND CLOSE TO NORMAN, DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE GIVE A FLYING SH-T ABOUT OU FOOTBALL, OR ANY OTHER SPORT FOR THAT MATTER. QUIT ASKING MY HUSBAND IF HE SAW “THE GAME”. OF COURSE HE DIDN’T. WE HATE SPORTS. 

That doesn’t mean that we’re not “normal”, nor does it make him any less manly because he doesn’t enjoy watching guys in tights throw a ball around and lay on top of each other to keep the ball in a certain area…or whatever the goal of this ridiculous game is. Wen football fans, OU ESPECIALLY, hear that we don’t like football, they act like we just said we “hate Jesus” or something. Get over yourselves, there is so much more to life than that. 

I feel sorry for people who don’t realize that. I have never watched a full football game in my life. I tried this weekend at my brother in law’s high school football game in Norman. I’m proud of him – he’s a great kid and very talented and I’m glad he’s got something he’s really into and enjoys… even if it was one of the most boring things I’ve ever sat through. I’d do it again if he asked me to. I can’t imagine after watching the game and the crowd, that there are people who plan their lives around a game. They cancel vacations because of it, they change their wedding dates because of it, they even refuse to leave the house when a game is on. Wow, I just don’t get it and I don’t think anyone will ever be able to make me understand it.

I know I have some friends that don’t understand this, nor do I expect them to, but please, don’t try to make me feel bad because I don’t enjoy sports. I never want to be one of those psycho parents screaming at their teenage son in the stands of a high school football field, wearing face paint and living vicariously through their child. What a nightmare. Like sports, LOVE sports for that matter, just respect that some people don’t, and that’s okay. Come to a Flaming Lips show with me and I promise it will be better than any football game you’ve EVER seen!!

Gather around friends, and listen as I gaze into my crystal ball and speak of things that will soon come to pass. Okay, so it’s not crystal… and it’s not a ball. Alright, it’s a half empty bottle of Dundee Oktoberfest, but it’s magical none the less. Yes, prepare to have your minds blown by these (most likely wildly innacurate) beer-fueled predictions of things to come in the next six months. These predictions are not listed in the order they most likely will (not) occur, as the beer still hides some mysteries from my mortal eyes.

• The big 3 American automakers will get a government bailout after 20 years of making turd cars and bad business decisions.  
• Congress will approve another round of stimulus checks in an attempt to try and buy our complacency after having bailed out the automakers. 
• The DOW will hit a low of 7200 points.
• Hugo Chavez will nationalize something else (big stretch, I know)
• The McRib will make a glorious return, as will the Double Filet-O-Fish. The beer is telling me the fish will be sometime around February. 
• Despite the downturn in the housing market, Paulette, the 1-800-ToSellHomes lady, will continue to make some of the worst local ads in the world. 
• QuikTrip will not come to OKC.
• Hyper-inflation.
• The Republican party will do something which indicates, that despite this year’s election, they still do not get it. 
• Tyler Perry will make another movie which will be titled, “Tyler Perry’s _____”.
• John Stamos will not have a hit show on television.